curhatnya • little things

"It's weird how nothing change when I'm here, you know? Like everything is on standstill for so long, but when I left, everything is changing rapidly, and I'm still me, and I can't follow."

"It's not like that, silly. Everything is changing slowly everyday, day by day. You're just not here at the time to witness it, so when you're finally back, you can only marvel at how those little things morph into something you don't recognize anymore."

***

Visiting good ol' high school with my best mates, meeting some favo teaches and hanging out in one of my favo classroom.  It feels daunting to roam these halls again like we were sixteen. Nostalgic too. We even got locked in the second floor by school's security like we often did when we were still enrolling. It's heartwarming to see the grumpy old man, with him still remembering my crimes from high school and all. Lots of shites change while I was away and I'm happy to have this one unchanged.

By the way, it's kinda shocking to see that the building underwent this new face phase and has new horrendous colors. It's fugly, ghastly brown-blue-green combination, like, you must be fucking colorblind to choose the color. But it's proli just me and my sensitive art student heart talking. It's still fugly tho, with it being an old building that only looks good in broken white.

New semester starts in a few days and I'm kinda ready to get busy again, I guess? At least I'll go out and do something, yeah? But I'm so not ready to leave home and my cozy bedroom and Mum's cooking. *sigh*

curhatnya • no exit.

Inside these four walls are years old apathy,

and I'm numb, stunned, unfeeling, stupefied.

curhatnya • selamat tidur, aku.

Lucu bagaimana kemarin aku masih remaja, lalu hari ini umurku kepala dua. Kupikir aku akan jadi remaja selama-lamanya, kamu tahu? Karena diantara waktu yang sebenarnya pendek itu, aku menyelipkan banyak sekali kenangan yang membuatnya seakan-akan tidak memiliki ujung. Momen-momen sederhana yang merenggangkan waktuku sehingga rasanya menjadi sangat panjang.

Aku tidak yakin dari mana aku memulai, namun kata orang ini finis. Sudah selesai.

Tapi aku tidak merasa ada yang berbeda, kamu tahu? Aku tetap bajingan tengik kekanakan manja yang seperti ini saja. Tetap Dhika yang kemarin-kemarin. Tetap Theo. Tetap Ca. Siapapun nama panggilanku dan apapun aku di mata kamu dan mereka.

Sekarang apa?

(P.S.: Sepertinya aku akan jadi remaja selama-lamanya.)