tulisannya • 409.

I love you, you know? But I'm not in love with you. The statement sounds so cheesy and sometimes I hate myself for it; hate myself for feeling it. Next thing I know I'll probably spew something like it's not you it's me.

I love you like I love thunderstorm, because there's so much more to it, and being in love is uncomplicated, unlike how I love thunderstorm, or how I love you. Because it's not everyday there's a thunderstorm, like it's not everyday that I'll meet someone like you.

Sometimes, I think I can launch into an endless hours of speech on why I love thunderstorm, if I'm ever outspoken enough to do it. I'm not, obviously, often opted to whisper one or two sentences instead, because my ABCs always play Judas on me. You said that I'm the strong silent type, and maybe it's one of the reason why I love you. You understand me even with all the words that left unsaid.

The reason why I love thunderstorm is not the thunderstorm itself; or at least, not only the thunderstorm itself.

I love the sound of the rain that comes with it, the storm, even though I sometimes flinch at the sound of thunder, curling on in myself when I see a particularly big lightning that gives the anticipation of a loud booming that come seconds to its appearance. I love the window I sit next to and the blanket that wraps around me and the cup of steaming cuppa, two sugar and a dash of cream, because that's what I do when thunderstorm comes, and only when thunderstorm comes. It is precious; like you're precious.

I love how bold it is, the thunderstorm, loud and confident and eye-catching. Like you, on the first day of sophomore year when I noticed you laughing boisterously down the hallway by my best friend's locker. You, and your honey-colored Bambi eyes, and your raven hair with fringe that swoop just above your thick eyelashes.

I love how the sky clears up after a thunderstorm, azure and afresh, like it's been born again. And they always have the best twilight after a thunderstorm, the most breathtaking 6.13PM kind of twilight that's the combination of lilac, amber, and Tyrian purple. It is the prettiest; like you're the prettiest.

You are a thunderstorm in many sense. And I love you, but I'm not in love with you.

Because being in love would be simpler than how I feel for you.

curhatnya • no exit.

Inside these four walls are years old apathy,

and I'm numb, stunned, unfeeling, stupefied.

curhatnya • selamat tidur, aku.

Lucu bagaimana kemarin aku masih remaja, lalu hari ini umurku kepala dua. Kupikir aku akan jadi remaja selama-lamanya, kamu tahu? Karena diantara waktu yang sebenarnya pendek itu, aku menyelipkan banyak sekali kenangan yang membuatnya seakan-akan tidak memiliki ujung. Momen-momen sederhana yang merenggangkan waktuku sehingga rasanya menjadi sangat panjang.

Aku tidak yakin dari mana aku memulai, namun kata orang ini finis. Sudah selesai.

Tapi aku tidak merasa ada yang berbeda, kamu tahu? Aku tetap bajingan tengik kekanakan manja yang seperti ini saja. Tetap Dhika yang kemarin-kemarin. Tetap Theo. Tetap Ca. Siapapun nama panggilanku dan apapun aku di mata kamu dan mereka.

Sekarang apa?

(P.S.: Sepertinya aku akan jadi remaja selama-lamanya.)

Dear You

* * *

I often indulge in my split-second stupidity, but this is by far the most impulsive love declaration I ever did, except for when I kissed your cheek, once upon a time. It's like being sent back in time, composing a mixtape to woo someone. I ended up handpicking everything instead of cramming every cheesy love songs I could think of. I don't even know if you'll like it. You said you like indie, so I slipped one or two in the mix. Oh yeah, I can't help the Harry Potter reference; I know you might think that I'm a major nerd right now. I could ramble on and be the pointless little shit my friends often accuse of me, but I have a feeling that I'll say something even more stupid if I do, so, I'll leave you to it.

Here goes nothing;

Boom clap, the sound of my heart,

stay for tonight if you want to,

I want to fall in love with the stars in your eyes.

I'll slither up to you, you can be my lion cub,

settle down with me, and I'll be your safety,

we could dance all night if you stay with me.

I know I don't know you but I'd like to skip the small talks and romance, girl

'cause baby, two is better than one.

Yours truly,

S. Antareja.

* * *

Edited Sat, 07/01/17
to replace 8tracks -> Spotify playlist.

tulisannya • pilot chapter

We saw her today and Shiva is a riot.

Teddy laughed.

Because he keeps on saying that he is over her, over her, so over her, but one glimpse of her throws his balance off. We can't blame him, though. Humans are just so sensitive, so feeling. He possess the heart of a poet, we all do. We wrote saga out of our sorrow, and we sang despair out loud. The misery personified, pain made auditory.

In the end, he can't resist glancing.

And he crumbles down.

And we go down with him.

Because that's what brothers do, right? Finishing each others' sentences. Goofing around, calling the others obscene names. Do prank and get detention together.

We crash and burn together, shattered.

***

The Journal of Theo S. K.

07/01